One Year in America
Posted by Mark Stephan
It has been a year since I’ve returned to America to carry out God’s mission for me here.
When I came back God made it clear to me, I am here to rest in Him. Not ‘rest’ as we may see it, but rather to be in Him, not looking forward and making plans, but to just ‘be’ in Him.
Let me be honest, that’s hard. In a society where everyone plans years in advance, I’ve made no plans. I wasn’t allowed to. I’ve not even asked the Lord about going back to Turkey, cause He said, don’t. For a year I’ve been in a strange limbo of being here in the USA, wanting to be active in ministry and doing so many things for Turkey, and yet, kept from it.
Grand visions of mobilizing for Turkey, building a team, helping others go, left in stasis. The Lord made it clear, do nothing but be in Him.
This was a year of decomposition. Digestion. Reflection. Healing.
It has been a year of awkwardness. Wanting to do ministry, wanting to do a lot of things, and yet, not allowing myself to do it. A year of people asking me a thousand questions about my future, and even more expectations about my future, left, unanswered, unaddressed.
A year of thinking about building a relationship, and then deciding, that I wasn’t supposed to, and then dropping it.
There has been reentry shock, reverse culture shock, expectation shock, and plain ‘ol shock. There have been times I felt at peace and times I’ve felt valueless in my input into society.
I have found myself fighting myself to gain control of this time, only to fend myself off of myself to keep myself in the rest. no goals, no plans, no long-term.
Rest in Him was His command, and I’ve spent a year trying to do just that.
Now the year is up. And it’s time again to seek and to find out what my marching orders are.
I’ll be praying now, seeking God’s discernment in my life for what’s next. Will I be going back to Turkey? Will I stay here? How long for either? In what capacity? What about work? Relationships? Situations? The questions I have held myself back from asking are so mountainous now, I don’t even know really where to begin, except the very simplest of questions…
"What do you want?"
This has been my very short, yet concise prayer since August 5th.
No answers yet, but I think it’s the start of something. I never expected on the anniversary of my return, Aug. 5th that I’d receive some lofty vision, letter, or Word from the Lord. Rather, The year of whirlwind thoughts is cumulating into the slow pin drop of a question we really all need to ask God for.
I have a nagging feeling I am not done with Turkey. But as of yet, it’s a feeling, and no clear directive from the Lord. I am still involved with ministry, still being a believer in a land of the Lost, even the land of Austin, Tx. I still do that of which the Bible directs. I share the message of Him who created me. I live in community and help others discern their role in the Kingdom of God, even as I discern my own. But a call from here to where ever, a clear call to leave my land, my family, the people I know, and to go to another is still silent. Until then, I will pray a simple prayer of "What do you want", until God gives me more information and more direction to better direct my prayers. I ask you to pray the same for me. Lord, please give guidance to Mark and speak to him as to what your desire for him is.